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I always enjoy finding heart shapes in unexpected places. Once my son gave me a heart-shaped stone that he found. I still have it today and I love it. So imagine my joy when my dog, Coco, left me a heart shape…
In urine. On my living room floor. Thanks, Coco. That was special. I heart you too.
This afternoon I had a super hot date with Vlad the Plumber*. That is if by “hot date” you mean “appointment with the plumber to get the kitchen faucet replaced”. Yeah. Kitchen faucet looks great. I, on the other hand, am heartsick with infatuation. Vlad’s the bomb. Sigh. *No, Vlad is not a plumber from the Russian Mob. His name has been changed to protect his innocence. There’s a little church that I see every day on my way to and from work. Like many churches, they have a marquee on which they usually have clever religious quips and quotes, along the lines of “Eternity is a long time to be wrong” or “No it is not hot as hell.” Although I’m not a religious person, I usually find them entertaining. But this week they have this…
Seriously?! Judgy people make God sad??? This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen!!! All I can picture is God as a sad, fake crying Pierrot-like mime…
Now here’s the part where I’m gonna make God sad, because I’ve got judgment aplenty about this little quip. Judgy people make God sad? Hmmmm…just wondering where these things rank in God’s continuum of sadness:
*Almost put Wall Street con artists on the same line as rapists and murderers, but thought that might be a wee bit over the top. Maybe believers should be sending some smoke signals up the to Great Crying Mime in the Sky about some of these things. Clearly God’s not a micromanager. But perhaps it’s time for the little church on the corner’s marquee quote person to expand their world a little. Because while judgy people may not be the best thing in the world, they sure as hell aren’t the worst. [stepping off soapbox]
This afternoon it was unbearably hot in my office, due to the combination of the heat being on in the building and the sun blasting in doing its greenhouse effect thing. It had to be at least 80 degrees in there. Downright sweaty. Which lead to the unpleasant result of the place smelling like man stew. Of course I couldn’t resist commenting about man stew to my friend and we immaturely guffawed about man stew for a few minutes before she launched into a discussion of men who use deodorant on their man parts. At first I didn’t think I heard right. She said something about deodorant and “down there” and while I heard her, I was still woozy from all of my guffawing over man stew and I wasn’t quite paying full attention. Suddenly it dawned on me that she might have said what I thought she said, so I said, “What?!” She patiently repeated, “Some guys wear deodorant ‘down there’,” while pointing at her crotch. Me: Down there?!!! Her: Yeah. Me: On their privates?!!! Her: Yeah. Me: What kind?!!! Her: Whatever kind they have, I guess. Me: Roll-on or spray?!!! Her: Either kind, I guess. At which point we regressed to approximately middle school age maturity and started laughing hysterically. That’s ridiculous! This exchange went on throughout the rest of the day, and even after work via text messages, with me expressing my absolute shock that guys would use their armpit deodorant on their crotch, and her replying that yes indeed they did, interspersed with me making comments about them wanting to smell nice for the ladies. The conversation finally ended with her telling me that I must not have have dated too many athletes or “playahs,” because if I did I would know about this, and me admitting that no, in fact, I did not date many athletes or “playahs.” Apparently I missed out. Good thing I’m single again. No more man stew for me. Um, were you aware of this practice?
In my neighborhood we have an email list that comes in handy for getting the news out about a lost dog, when you have something for sale, the neighborhood teenage car break-in ring, and other various odds and ends. Or if you want to pontificate. Yes, there’s always one who ruins it for everyone else. And we have one on our email list. His name is Peorge (I’ve changed his name to protect his anonymity. But his new name sounds strangely similar to his actual name. I don’t know why this is…probably coincidence.) Peorge is a pontificator. I’m sure that Peorge is a decent human being, but he’s begun to annoy me. His main point of pontification lately has been spewing his political viewpoint about our local school district costs, teachers’ union, and upcoming school levy. Needless to say, this is a sensitive subject with many differing opinions and probably best not discussed on a neighborhood email list. But that doesn’t deter Peorge. Peorge thinks that if he spews enough information from his point of view that all of the neighbors will come to their senses. So imagine my surprise when Peorge’s last email was lighter fare. Apparently Peorge’s pumpkin was stolen from his front porch. I guess that Peorge wanted to warn the neighborhood about the sinister ring of pumpkin thieves. Peorge said that while he hated to sound like a curmudgeon (thank you Peorge, I couldn’t have come up with a better vocabulary word to describe you), and even though he was certain that this was an act of teenage tomfoolery, he was so upset by this theft that he didn’t think he was going to buy a new pumpkin. (Yes, he really did say this in an email to the entire neighborhood! Well, he didn’t use the term “teenage tomfoolery” – that was my special embellishment – but all the rest is true! I didn’t copy & paste his quote exactly, because Peorge is probably the type to google his own words and if he finds this blog post, he might begin an email campaign to run me out of he neighborhood!) One of the neighbors took the words right out of my email when she bravely clicked “Reply All” and wrote, “Are you serious?” Yes, my dear neighbor, he is all too serious. Pranks can be hurtful! So, to restore Peorge’s faith in humanity, I think everyone in the neighborhood should deliver their pumpkins to Peorge’s yard to show him just how much we care! Off to deliver my pumpkin… I’ve decided to fire up the old blog again. I’ve been blogging over at Homage Style about interior design, but this is more about the ridiculous stuff that happens on the average day. Every day. For a while, actually a couple of years, I did exactly that. But no link to that blog here, because I don’t remember who I talked about in that blog. Maybe even you. And to protect the innocent – mainly me – I’m starting fresh here. So here’s to kicking it up again!
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copyright © 2012 charm school dropout. all rights reserved. although I'm sure you love every word I've written, do me a favor & write your own stuff, instead of copying mine. thanks! |
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